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The F-Files
I’m sitting with a steaming cup of coffee on Saturday morning, when suddenly there’s a knock on my door. An expression of fear crosses my face, and I quickly tell my boys to hide, stay quiet, and keep away from the door. While crouched under the table, they start to giggle, so I give them the “look” that promises retribution for any future sounds that might escape.
I’m not usually so paranoid of visitors, but it’s fall -- the season of tricksters disguised as sweet angels. I know with certainty, what I’ll see if I open the door: an adorable child, looking at me with an innocent smile, while holding a box. I don’t actually know what’s in the box – chocolate bars, cookies, or maybe swatches of wrapping paper – but it doesn’t matter, because they are all dangerous.
Yes, I confess, I believe in a conspiracy of child fundraisers, and they are even now, stalking the good citizens of our community. Being a scout leader and a substitute teacher, they know my identity and frequently congregate at my door. And when they finally disperse, my wallet is mysteriously empty.
Now the truth is, I’m no stranger to fundraising, and some may call me hypocritical, since my own children have peddled wrapping paper for school, popcorn for scouts, and a variety of junk for various sports. In fact, you might have seen me standing outside Walmart or Giant doing the “popcorn pokey” with a group of bouncing cub scouts.
So why have I been reduced to shaking my booty for complete strangers?
In these times of economic instability, people like me are hiding in their homes, and it’s getting harder to ensnare passers-by with a cute face and a wistful expression. Big blue eyes might get us a dollar donation, but that doesn’t cover the cost of camp registration for 50 scouts.
People want to be entertained, and some are willing to pay for it. So our den leaders wear outrageous hats that look like an ear of corn, while cub scouts boogie to chants of “pop, pop, pop, POPCORN”. One scout even did a back flip to secure a $9 sale of chocolaty caramel corn.
Despite these creative performances, people who know about the F-Files dart inside the store to blend into the crowd. But scouts are resourceful. We strategically place undercover mothers inside, to scan the crowds for familiar faces, especially those who are known to associate with the biggest F-File perpetrators, otherwise known as girl scouts! A friendly hello quickly leads to “come meet my son.” And the trap is sprung.
But don’t panic. While I might scare you with my wiggle-o dance during your daily shopping errands, you won’t find me or my angels on your doorstep. We may have earned a listing in the fanatical F-Files, thanks to our fancy footwork, but those who believe are safe, so long as they stay home and hide during the fall fundraising season.
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Look for cub scout popcorn stands outside of Walmart and Giant. The money earned supports pack activities such as camping, pinewood derby races, and scholarships for individual scouts. And remember – popcorn is a healthy snack, unlike those cookies sold by other X-file perpetratorsJ.
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